How Kristin and I blundered into one another

Mom begat Ed, Ed begat Pat, Pat begat Judy, Judy begat Tony, Tony begat Laurel, Laurel begat Andy, Andy begat Lesley, Lesley begat Margot, Margot begat Matt, Matt begat Ethan, Ethan begat Elan, and Elan begat Kristin.

That's the short version. The long version is only marginally more interesting.  Once upon a time, my friend Elan in L.A. sent around one of those insipid Internet questionnaires we've all received. You know the one. You fill out biographical information about yourself, replying-all to a bunch of strangers. This time as always, the last question was "Say something nice about the person who sent this to you. " I put some throwaway joke in there like "Elan, uh, types legibly." and sent the mail on its way to Elan and a few strangers. Then this bitch I'd never heard of replies that I am, in fact, a useless, arrogant ass.  I was incensed by her gall (not because she wasn't right, mind you, but because my joke about Elan was so uncharacteristically mild). So we flamed each other all day, with me growing more and more enraged with every mail. I was exploding all over the office. Then finally I was informed that she was just screwing with me.   Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

That anonymous writer was, of course, Kristin. I had no idea who she was, and I'm proud to say that Home Alone remains the only work of hers that I've ever seen, though I have to admit that I only vaguely recall one of the cousins miscounting the kids. When we were flaming one another, I learned she was an actress and of course went to the Web to see if I could find ammunition to use against her. To my delight, I got a hit on "Celebrity Butts and Asses" and stumbled upon her, uh, checkered  filmography, which includes roles opposite such master thespians as Coolio, Donnie Wahlberg (not his talented older brother Mark, mind you, but Donnie of "New Kids on the Block"), and my favorite—Vanilla Ice. Yes, my persecutor was in "Cool as Ice," which was delightful enough ammunition by itself until I learned that she received a Raspberry Award nomination as Worst New Star for that fine film. Score! My fingers got all tangled as I hurriedly typed vicious insults. Making fun of this woman's co-stars is almost unsportsmanlike, like hunting dairy cows. But dammit, someone's got to do it.

During my surfing I came across many references to Kristin, but no fan sites. After we became friends,  I thought I should rectify this. True to her good-humored form, Kristin agreed to let me put up a teasing Web site. I hope to make her regret that.